Free, truly.  

(A short original story) 

Most of my life has consisted of work. It’s all I’ve really known since I started middle school and took things more seriously. I always needed to have my homework finished, how else could I get approval? I always needed to have good grades, how else would I be good enough? I needed to be the best version of myself everyday and all the time, how else would I be worth anything? That’s always been my mentality and I know. I. KNOW. That it’s not healthy. Logically, I knew my worth wasn’t based on my productivity, but I didn’t… FEEL it. And that overwrote everything. 

And where am I now? I can tell you where. In my room. On my chair. With my pen against the drawing tablet. For days on end. I graduated years ago, yet I didn’t end up leaving my mindset behind. I made money with art commissions, and when I didn’t have any, I made art to grow my social media account to get even more commissions. It’s an endless cycle I followed day by day. I was always tired, and my eyes felt like closing while I drew… until a certain familiar tap tap tap coming from my windowsill gained my attention, making me blink my eyes awake. I always left my window open in case a special guest decided to visit – a crow named Chrysanthemum.

I named him after a type of flower, for I always had a deep love for plants and their variety. He announced himself with his beak, not with a chirp but with a knock to the glass. I always thought that was interesting, and it was one of those few things that still made me smile, and it was one of those few things that still made me get off the chair. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a proper human interaction in real life since I moved out of my parents‘ house the moment I turned 18, but Chrysanthemum felt so human to me. He visited me daily just to get a bit of food, yet it felt like he was interested when I talked. He stared at me with his small black eyes as I rambled on about my feelings. I always say something along the lines of “Sorry, I know it’s silly to dump all this on you. Not like you can understand.” To then and only then be met with a chirp. It felt reassuring. As weird as it sounds, the few minutes that he is there feels like a temporary cure for my everlasting loneliness, like I actually have a friend. I will never be able to quite put into words how much that means to me. I have never had a good relationship with my family and had a hard time making friends because I was perceived as… different. And people don’t seem to like things that are out of the norm. Maybe people will like me when I work hard enough. When I neglect myself in order to work. When I am successful people will like me. Chrysanthemum got me out of my mind for a moment when he ate all the nuts from my hand and took off to fly away, knowing he would return the next day. I couldn’t help but look back into my room, it feels small and suffocating.  

If only I could be just as free as you. 

But that’s not a productive thought, so I knocked it out of my mind and sat back down on my chair. My stomach grumbled with hunger but I ignored it. 

Neglecting myself like that will lead to my downfall, surely.  

And I will not do anything to stop that.  

Lilith Koop

Bild: Lilith Koop